Management Lessons from a 7 Month Old
As I am running out of the shower with shampoo still bubbling in my hair, I was thinking about how life has changed since starting my new full time position as a stay at home mom. In the short time my baby has taught me several lessons in his personal management style. As my current employer and full-time tyrant, he has provided several rules for our household. Below is an excerpt from the Liam handbook.
Welcome to Mom, Inc.! I am delighted that you have chosen to join me in this important role and hope that you will enjoy a long and successful career as Mom.
Please take time to review and memorize the policies contained in this handbook; keeping in mind that the rules will change at my discretion with or without notice. If you have questions, feel free to ask but don’t expect anything to change unless it suits my needs.
1. Employment is not at will. You are under full contract for the next 18 years to life.
2. Breaks are for dads! You will get a break when your manager says you get a break. Stay tuned for daily nap schedules as a guideline for your daily breaks.
3. Drinking is not only acceptable it is a requirement. Bourbon in your coffee, rum in your coke…your choice but it will make the day go by much quicker for you and you will find my nap avoidance techniques much more entertaining and the spit up on your shoulder will go unnoticed.
4. Dressing and personal grooming is encouraged but do it on your own time…see rule 2 about breaks. However, your manager's diaper must be changed regularly and keep that stack of dirty jammies and bibs under control. Stains on your managers attire or a wet bib will not be tolerated. A minimum of 3 outfit changes a day is required for your manager but feel free to spend your day in yoga pants and a t-shirt.
5. Overtime is required including evenings, nights and weekends. All of which will not be paid time. This is a full time 24/7 operation and your availability is required at all times; including being on call for all overnights.
6. Bonuses. Didn’t you see that smile I gave you?! That was your bonus and you should consider yourself lucky you got that. Several hugs and slobbery kisses will be paid out daily. Stay tuned for the first ‘Mama’ as that is to be your holiday bonus.
7. Benefits. See rule 6 for further explanation of benefits.
8. On the job injuries and illnesses should be dealt with at your manager's convenience. Injury from lifting too much…go to the gym. In order to schedule said gym time see rule 2 regarding breaks.
9. Vacation/Sick Time/Holiday and other paid leave! Your manager will go along on any excursions and continue your regular duties whether at the beach or on a cruise ship. Be prepared for a dirty diaper on any sandy beach or other inconvenient time.
10. Performance evaluations and feedback will be handled through tears and smiles. Keep in mind there is a long learning curve for this position and expect tears even when you believe you are doing good job in your role.
11. Complaints are not accepted.
12. Workplace safety. Safety hazards abound in your new work environment. Toys can and will be thrown at will for the first several years of life. Slips hazards are everywhere; aka spit up, spilled milk, etc. Mom up and wear your safety equipment.
EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND RECEIPT
I hereby acknowledge receipt of the employee handbook. I understand and agree that it is my responsibility to read and comply with the policies in the handbook. Failure to follow said guidelines will NOT result in your termination from employment, but could affect the number of visits you will receive after I move out and the conditions of the retirement community in which you will be placed later in life.
While the working conditions can be difficult, the rewards are amazing. The smiles and laughs are amazing and watching my baby learn new things help me survive the soapy hair and the long days and nights. It is definitely worth it.
* Disclaimer – if you are a manager/supervisor please disregard all rules included in the above handbook…your employees will not tolerate such poor working conditions and your smile will not buy you loyalty. Please use this as a what not to do tool. If you need some real management tips, check out this book on Amazon.com.